Lighter Side of the Church

This Valentine’s Day I expect to be inundated.

Sorry… I meant in, undated.

I asked my friend if he’d bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day. He’s a bit of a chauvinist pig so he surprised me when he replied, “Yeah, I’ve got her a belt and a bag.” I said, “That’s very thoughtful of you. I hope she appreciates it.” He said, “So do I. And hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work much better now.”

What is the difference between a calendar and you?

A calendar has a date on Valentine’s day.

Yesterday morning, my wife woke up with a start. When I asked her what the matter was, she said, “I just had a dream you gave me a diamond ring and diamond earrings for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

I winked and said, “You’ll know tonight.” That evening, I came home with a small package and gave it to my wife. She was delighted and opened it excitedly. In it was a book called “The Meaning of Dreams”.

My wife just sent me a text saying, “I’ve just got you the best Valentine’s Day present ever! XOX

I really hope she misspelt “Xbox”.

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?

Hogs and kisses.

My wife rang me at work on Valentine’s Day. She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received bunches of flowers. They’re absolutely gorgeous.” I said, “That’s probably why they’ve been sent flowers then.” (Not sure he should go home!!!)

What do single people call Valentine’s Day?

Happy Independence Day.

My girlfriend just texted me and thanked me for “the most memorable Valentine’s Day ever”. I can’t help thinking she’s underestimating Al Capone’s effort.

What do you call a very small Valentine? A “Valen-tiny”.

Last Valentine’s Day, my fiancée of four years bought me a lottery ticket and I won $5 million. I wonder what she’s doing nowadays?

My wife just called me lazy and said I’d better have something planned for Valentine’s Day. I said, “Yes, I was thinking of taking the Christmas decorations down.”

For the last twenty years, I’ve received a Valentine’s Day card from the same secret admirer. So, I was upset when I didn’t get one this year. First my gran dies, now this?

I’ve just booked a table for me and my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. I hope she knows how to play snooker.

My girlfriend told me she hoped I had something special planned for Valentine’s Day. I said, “I’m working on it.” and she smiled. Which was weird; I thought she’d be upset that I’m having to work on Valentine’s Day.

I gave blood today. It may not be the best Valentine’s Day present but at least it came from the heart.

And last but not least:

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?


And from the children:

3-year-old, Reese: “Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.”
A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.  I’m having a real good time like I am.”              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail.”               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our
  A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.  Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” The girl replied, “I wouldn’t know what to say.” “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s name?” One child answered, “Mary.”
The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?” A little boy said, “Verge.” Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?” The boy said, “Well, you know they are always talking
about Verge n’ Mary.”