March Lighter Side

The Sin of Lying

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”               The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.               Every hand went up.               The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

The Password to Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.  While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates.  She saw a beautiful banquet table.  Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.               They saw her and began calling greetings to her – “Hello! How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you”.               When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him “This is such a Wonderful place!  How do I get in?”                 “You have to spell a word”, Saint Peter told her. “Which word?” the woman asked. “Love” she was told. The woman correctly spelled “L-o-v-e” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.               About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you”, the woman said. “How have you been?”               “Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery.  I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion.  And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today.  I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am.  How do I get in?”               “You have to spell a word”, the woman told him. “Which word?” her husband asked.               “Czechoslovakia!!!”

The Bible Salesman

A man came into a shop with a “Salesman Wanted” sign in a window. He went to the owner and said, “I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b.”

The owner told him, “I don’t know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment.”

 “I h-h-havve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, IIII-I re-really neeeed thi-this j-job!” said the man.

“O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them.” , said the owner.

So, the man went out and came back an hour later. “H-here-sss your m-money,” Said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.
The man came back in two hours and said, “Her-ers y-uooour m-m-money.”

The owner said, “This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to people when they come to the door?”

“W-welllll,” said the man, “I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say ‘H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaadda, d-d-do you w-w-want t-t-t-t- buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want ,-me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?”

 

Cremation

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”                “And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”               The businessman said, “Oh, just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything.’”

 

 

The Church Pencils

An office supplies company in a small suburban town noticed that a local church had stopped placing it’s regular orders, and so the manager called to see what the problem might be.               The minister responded, and was obviously not happy. “I’ll tell you why we stopped ordering from you,” shouted the minister angrily. “Our church ordered some pencils from you for use in the pews for visitors to register”.               The store manager, puzzled, responded, “I don’t understand what the problem is, didn’t you receive them yet?” “Oh yes, we received them all right,” replied the minister.               “The pencils that you sent were golf pencils… every one of them was stamped with the words, ‘Play Golf Next Sunday.’”

 

 

Four Catholic Ladies

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.                The first Catholic woman tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.’”               The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, -‘Your Grace.’”               The third Catholic mother says, “My son is a cardinal.  Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence.’”               The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee and replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6′ 4″, hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God!’”

 

 

The Small Boy and the Doorbell

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.               After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.               Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”               To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”