~ The Cynical Philosopher ~

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.  Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We’ll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer.  I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.  I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.  I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.  Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.  The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.